When you are thinking about having children and even while you are pregnant, you think "I just have to feed him, change him, and then he'll sleep peacefully in his bassinet and I'll have all this time." I remember wondering what I was going to do on maternity leave to keep myself occupied. (Ha! Oh how naive I was!!)
Then your baby arrives and everything is wonderful. You are over the moon in love with him. You can't imagine ever getting tired of holding him. You secretly enjoy his cries in the middle of the night because you know he needs you and that you are his comfort. Your world is perfect.
And then your husband goes back to work, and suddenly you have two less hands to take care of your baby's needs. The blissful newness of it all begins to wear off. Phinn and I are on day six of just us. Some days we feel like a well-oiled machine, moving from feedings to changings to napping and can even accomplish other activities like reading books, tummy time, and going for walks. Other days, like yesterday, I'm lucky to be able to brush my teeth or go to the bathroom. I can't even dream about taking a shower or brushing my hair. Phinn seems to be going through a phase where he is only content if someone is holding him, and when you are alone with the baby for ten or eleven hours of the day, guess who that someone is!
I love that my son needs me, and I love being a mom and being able to provide for him. But I also need time to be me. I think that has been the hardest part for me in becoming a mom. Some days, I feel like I have lost my identity as myself and to some degree as a wife. I want to be open about my feelings because I'm sure others feel or have felt this way and it is always good to know that you are not alone! Becoming a mom is an adjustment - a BIG one - and one that you have to make all at once. There really is no easing into it other than pregnancy.
Like I said, yesterday was a rough day for us. Phinn was only happy being held and after about the sixth hour of holding him, I broke down. I got the New Mama Blues a bit and was upset that I couldn't do anything anymore, that I would never get my body back because I had ruined it, and that from here on out I was only a mom. (Yes, quite dramatic!) Then I immediately felt guilty because here I am with this healthy, beautiful son, and I'm living the life that I have always truly wanted. I felt guilty that I didn't feel happier. I just never imagined that being a mom would be this challenging. Everyone tells you that your life is going to change and you know that, but until it happens you have no idea how much it changes. Yes, there will be days where your baby seems to take over whatever you had planned for the day and only wants to be held; but as a friend of mine told me, remember that these are phases and don't wish it away because there will come a day when he doesn't want you to hold him anymore. (Tear!) So after receiving some reassurance from my husband and my mom, I know that I am not a bad mother because I have these feelings. I am trying to learn to take it day by day and truly appreciate each moment- the good and the bad-because before I know it, he'll be all grown up.
Today I am grateful for my Baby Bjorn (Don't know why I didn't think of that yesterday!!) that has allowed me to type this post one handed as I hold my happy baby and eat my oatmeal. I am also grateful for my mom who came up to spend some time with us. It is so nice to have an extra set of hands to help and ears to listen. I even picked up a few more tips on being a mom- imagine that! And I'm grateful for my understanding, reassuring husband who always has faith in me. But most of all, I am thankful that God has given me this incredible little miracle and has charged me with helping him to discover and thrive in this crazy world. While the blues may have gotten the best of me yesterday, today is a new day and we are off to a great start!
You are not alone!! Truthfully, I went through some serious baby blues. Motherhood is a major adjustment. I remember feeling like "what the heck did we get ourselves into?!?". I cried for weeks - to Brian, on the phone with my Mom, and alone. Between the feelings of not knowing what you are doing or how to make the baby happy and the crash of your hormones, you can start to feel very alone and overwhelmed. It's totally normal! And hang in there - don't be surprised it you feel that way for awhile. I joined a new parent support group I found at my local hospital. It was a great find! Maybe there is something like that in your area? It gets you out of the house and you can relate to other Moms in your shoes. You should look into it!
ReplyDeleteThanks Lindsey! I know our hospital offers a couple different support groups, so I'll have to look into it. I know they were suspended for a few months because the meeting rooms were taken over to serve as make shift check out rooms because of all the blizzard babies they were expecting to be delivered! It's also nice to hear that it is normal. You feel alone and overwhelmed and you cry and then you feel guilty like you are a bad mother and cry harder! You seem like a natural-born mom with Hannah. I love reading your blog and seeing what she is up to. It makes me excited for all the things the future has in store for us!!
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